May 19, 2010

The Wayward Son

Feels like I'm engorged on rage, bitterness, sadness, anxiety, frustration and pain. Almost like I never quit smoking, never stopped putting toxins inside my body. These feelings are just as damaging. I feel like the baby must be suffocating in my turmoil.

A blow-up with Rocky over the 12:00 computer time limit left me in tears, unable to contain myself or tolerate any more of it. I count it a miracle he happened to come to tell me goodnight just then. Of course he was moved, and surprised and ashamed to see the impact of his actions, but instead of inspiring some self-evaluation of his choices, he internalized and began a discussion of how hopeless he feels.

I told him I can't take any more. He'll have to decide whether he wants to abide as a member of this family or not, but I won't fight him anymore.  It breaks my heart to think I must give up after all these years of trying, but I just don't have the personal resources anymore to strive against him.

The last alternative I have other than sending him to his dad's is counseling. I'll be calling first thing in the morning, and Heaven help him, because that's all I've got left.

And if it does come to letting him go, I'll be bitter about it. It doesn't seem fair that I would have raised him through the most trying periods of his growth to have him share the joy and strength of his maturity with his dad. Just doesn't seem fair or right.

But God will put him where he needs to be, if only I were calm and humbled enough to pray and ask Him to do that. I'm so covered in bitterness and unforgiveness right now, I doubt He'd hear my prayers.

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