May 20, 2010

Jealousy and "Julie & Julia"

As if I needed anything else to feel awful about, after trouble with Rocky, fighting with Miner, and being the meanest pregnant lady in the world.

I watched Julie & Julia -- two of my favorite actresses: Meryl Streep and Amy Adams. A movie about cooking.

And blogging and writing and getting published.

And I hated it. From beginning to end, I just burned with a bitter mixture of envy and self-loathing, because I have what it takes to do the same, and I don't.


If ever there were a time to write a book about P***** and the o*****, NOW is the time. Pregnant, the D***** H*****, time and time and time on my hands. The iron is hot, but I'm not.

And I hate myself for it, through and through. And I hate that I hate all the other aspiring writers who are making it right now, because I want what they're getting, what they've worked hard for and deserve. What I haven't worked for and don't deserve.

How long would it take me? If I started again right now? How long would it be before the book was done? Three chapters, even, to send in? Could I do it?


  1. You are an extremely creative and intelligent person dealing with a huge amount of very mundane things. Good things, valuable things, but still mundane. I'm not using the word "mundane" in a derogatory sense. They are part of who and what you are, but they are not who and what you are. They do not comprehend you (I use that word in the Elizabethan sense of the word "comprehend"). Normal people are not creative. You are creative. Therefore you are not normal. Never will be either no matter how hard people try to make you normal. Carl Jung tells about it in his writings. The unconscious must be made conscious. There is no choice about it. Trying to stiffle it is pointless and feeling guilty about it is even worse. Hormones are currently exacerbating things I'm sure, but it stems from the creative genius needing to be realized or else it will turn in on itself and consume you. You will need at some point to have an outlet that will allow you to have tactile interaction and feedback with people who admire your work. The internet is great, but it's not quite real. It lacks blood, sweat and tears. It lacks pheromones, touch and warmth. "Virtual" means "For all practical purposes" but ther is nothing "practical" about creatives. We need flesh and bone to connect with when showing who we are and what we can do. Without an audience, we end up like Vangogh who, never selling a painting, was consumed by his lack of validation. We have to plug in to be fully alive sista! You need to have a real showing, reading, etc. and feel the real energy from real people being brought to life by what you show them. Don't abandon those of us in cyberspace, but seriously think about working toward what I'm telling you. A cup of water is far more valuable if it is in the desert than if it is in a river. The internet is a river and therefore not the most satisfying place to display your work. People need to smell the paint and stand next to the artist.

    Or maybe I'm full of it.---Dan Weston

  2. Hi, 'Ailina, Girlfriend, be easy and love yourself. Look at all you do, holding a house together and taking care of your children. Is SO much. Here is a quote that I love:

    “You are an amazing grace. You are a precious jewel. You — special miraculous, unrepeatable, fragile, fearful, tender, lost, sparkling ruby, emerald jewel, rainbow splendor person.” Joan Baez

  3. I will be praying for you (((((((((hugs))))))))))))
    you will feel joy again
    love, Denise