May 3, 2010

Hiding: Day 18

The longer I stay tucked away, the safer I feel, and the more reluctant I am to come out. There have been several social "run-ins" (which--to everyone else's standards--aren't really "run-ins" at all, but simply run-of-the-mill social situations that require not much more than normal communication) that have strained me to my limits, but rather than put forth the effort to meet others halfway, I simply withdraw, fail to respond, and refuse to concern myself with anything beyond my self-erected barrier.

I realize this is avoidant and unhealthy. I recognize selfishness may play a large part in this. I know I may be hurting people, that I may lose friends on account of my own turmoil, but I reason...I may just not be strong enough to maintain. I simply may not possess the personal resources.

Bottom line: I cannot be active. I cannot contribute. I can observe the walls of my little world and slip notes about it under the door, but beyond that...I cannot participate.

Can I live life this way? For how long?

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