August 16, 2009

One More Time

At a place where giving up looks like a viable option. I get so tired of striving.

The voice of Joyce Meyers comes to mind, words she offered in a sermon about defeat: "You get up in the morning and you tell yourself, 'I can do this. One more time. One more time.'"

One more time.

Parenting is worthwhile. Writing and learning are worthwhile. Intellectually, there is no doubt. But when the ground opens up right under my feet where I need to stand, and the flat face of a mountainside plunges up into the sky right in front of me where I'm supposed to pass...that feeling of defeat is really, really hard to deal with. One more time. Hell, I can't even make the first yard.

Josie (best friend) talks about being "put together." It's something of an obsession. Our temperaments are so alike, I know exactly what she's talking about. And I know exactly how far away from that I really am.

I feel it most at that moment just before reality leaves my fingertips, that last grasping second before my fist closes around empty air. Rationale falls away from me, and I'm left scrambling around the floor of a dark cell of impossibilities, with no clue what it is I should be searching for.

It's at these times I take a long look in the mirror and fail to recognize myself. I lose confidence in my identity and question whether or not what I think I should be doing is really what I should be doing.

I really must write. And not just to make the deadlines. I've got to return to the book and pour off some of this anguish.

August 3, 2009

Turn the Page

Up late/early, on the cusp of yet another transition. Or, collection of transitions, as is always the case when July gives way to August.

Launching into another fourteen days of monoparenting. Beginning the 2009-2010 homeschooling year (insofar as the state of Louisiana is concerned. The past couple years haven't been divided that way, since we've schooled year-round, but really, the state's happy as long as we put in a minimum of 235 days per year).

New year means new lessons for all. Had to pull all the kids from extracurriculars in the name of financial adjustments, but will be compensating with a return to Hawaiian studies. The girls have been pressing me about that for so long. Now is the perfect time to step up and oblige them.

And prepping Rocky for college. It's shakedown time. I don't think the kid's aware how intense his studies will be now that we're kicking it up a notch. Only 1.5-2 years left before he'll begin work on a degree. He's got the necessary critical thinking skills. Now, we've just got to get him to stick to some kind of study ethic and make sure he's got a strong arsenal of study skills.

And me? Begun serious coursework on writing short stories. Free curriculum through MIT OpenCourseWare. So far, readings from various American short story writers, including Sherwood Anderson, whom I've discovered I love. His treatment of his fictitious rural town of Winesburg, Ohio (also the title of his most popular anthology) reminds me of Ernest Gaines and his Bayonne, Louisiana. Also brings new context to my "Roe, Louisiana," and I'm inspired to explore the possibilities.

Ua pa'ahana loa i kēia mau lā, akā...'a'ole pilikia. Maika'i kēlā. Ua maika'i ka hana i ka na'au.

Loosely..."These days are so busy, problem. That's good. Work is good for the soul."