September 9, 2009

Missing Dad

Missing Dad in an awful, awful way.

Finally got to spend some quality time with Littlest Sister after more than 10 years separation. The last time we saw each other prior to this year was at our father's funeral. She was only six. Now, she's seventeen.

Looking through old photographs of the Dad I knew, the Dad she knew, and the Dad we both knew for a brief time. All at once the most uplifting -- and the most heartwrenching -- experience I've had in years.

In the earlier photos, a healthy man with color in his cheeks, confident stature, wide smile.

In later photos...his deteriorating health was agonizingly evident. Severe edema, bruises from the daily insulin shots, and his expression...tired as if he'd lived ten lifetimes.

And then he wasn't in the photos anymore.

I'm unnerved and affected. I don't allow myself to miss him -- really, really, really MISS him -- except on rare occasions when I'm led to recall certain painful memories I try so hard to let be.

Tonight is one of those nights when I miss him so much, I can feel him sitting right next to me in the room. I can hear his voice, his breathing that did not come easy in the last days.

He would be 69 this year. Eleven years I've been without my father.

1 comment:

  1. I miss him too at times. I think we all in Kajukenfu miss him and his knowledge.

    Dennis AKA Narval the Great